Category Archives: Wydeville

Halloween Special: An interview with the ghost of Richard III.

As the evening of 31st October approaches, spirits the world over are preparing for Halloween. Jacquetta is sharpening her pointy hat and her daughter, another descendant of Melusine, is winding in a string attached to a ring (ouch!) to ensnare another sex slave. But what of Richard, former Duke of Gloucester and now revered king and guest of the Dean of Leicester Cathedral? We caught up with the ghost of Richard III sitting forlornly on a bench outside an ice cream parlour not far from the Cathedral. He agreed to answer a few questions if we would buy him a sorbet.

Richard, what’s it like to be a sex symbol 500 years after you died?

It’s a nightmare! Anne gets in a strip every time one of those brides starts swooning.

What do you think is your greatest achievement while alive or dead? Other than being the victor at Bosworth? I won, you know. How many people go there to lay a Red Rose??11899728_479447468895637_1236857115_n

My other greatest achievement is surely after my death {{sigh}}. If I had this many supporters while alive, there’s no way that wormy weakling Hank would have unhorsed me! Who cares if a lot of what they say is made up? That’s politics!

How did you come up with the idea of bail?

I invented bail – or did I?

Which is your favourite Stanley?

Matthews.

Do you like strawberries?

Despite stories to the contrary I have never eaten one. We are sitting outside an Italian ice cream parlour which claims to be selling Richard iii’s Strawberry Sorbet. I have been in there so many times to try it, but each time the call out the priests and the holy water and the exorcism routine   and back to the crypt I’m banished.

Have you any idea what Buckingham wanted to discuss before his death?

Yes. (Despite prompting Richard refused to elaborate and just did that naughty trick he has of dematerialising and reappearing a few times saying mwah hah haha.)

Tell us honestly, did you fancy your niece?

Oh, that again. I’ve said this before. I’ll say it again. It was dark, the candles were flickering, she was wearing the same dress as my wife and I was horny. A natural enough mistake to make, surely?

Did you plan to marry your niece?

I started that rumour. I had to. They wanted me to marry that ugly Joanna of Portugal and I had to find some way to get out of it. Imagine going to bed with that every night. After they heard the rumours her family made certain that the name of Richard was never mentioned as a prospective husband again. Round one to me I think.

Were you responsible for the thunder clap the moment the ‘Richard III’ character was struck down at Bosworth this year? I can’t take credit for the thunder clap -that was that show- off Margaret Beaufort’s doing (she steals my thunder too). I can take credit for THE clap. Should have listened to Eddie’s warnings -he would know.

What do you have to say about Hastings?

Hastings! My favourite battle – what other Hastings could you possibly mean?

What do you think of ‘The Head’? The best answer I can give to that is that I hope that someone someday does a reconstruction of the head of Dr Caroline Wilkinson that makes her look like a cross eyes moron with a weight problem.

Are you happy with everyone giving you white roses or do you want a bunch of daffodils or an orchid for a change? Atishoo!

Philippa Langley claims “In the second parking bay, I just felt I was walking on his grave.” Did you do any thing to make Philippa feel this way?
My ears seem to have decomposed over the centuries and I misheard. I thought it was Phillippa Gregory. I wanted to scare that woman so much that she stopped writing fantasy stories about my family and affinity.I’ll tell you something funny Mozart tells me every day. He lays in his grave making a strange noise and until someone says, ‘What is that noise?’ so the grave yard worker always says, ‘Oh, it’s just Mozart decomposing.’ How we laugh and laugh.

Do the people of the South have trouble understanding your northern accent? Mebe. There’s nowt as quair as folk.p308834570-5

Copyright http://www.ians-studio.co.uk/sales/

Do you have any plans for another exhumation and reburial?
Maybe a wrong choice of phrase, but over my dead body. All those fans throwing knickers and roses at me! I could have been killed.

What happened to the princes? You remember you asked if people in the South had difficulty understanding my accent? That’s what happened to the princes.

Which foot do you miss the most, your left or your right?  When I was alive I was really attached to both of my feet, but I am delighted I no longer have them. ULAS were excellent and very thourough with their research but it was embarrassing to have people read about my worms and my liking for eating swan. Just imagine how much fun they would have had discovering that I had Athlete’s Foot, Veruccae and a large corn.

Which of the Woodvilles did you despise the most? Which Woodville do I hate the most? Well Jaquetta the witch of course! If she hadn’t caused Bedford’s death with her spells and married that lusty Woodville fellow, none of this would have happened! I’d be on the throne to this day! Instead they bred their own army. Disgusting, I say! Nothing like MY dear sweet and frail innocent Anne! Harlot!

What was the worst thing ever dumped on your head – council worker’s Volvo or that hideous tomb? You ask that of a man who had a Victorian Sewer dug through his feet?

It is said that you haunt the Cathedral and that this is a picture of your ghost. Is this true? What? That? Do you seriously think I would stoop that low?

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Richard denies that this is a picture of his ghost.

Do you have any plans for another exhumation and reburial?
Maybe a wrong choice of phrase, but over my dead body. All those fans throwing knickers and roses at me! I could have been killed.

Which nickname do you prefer? Dick, Dickey, Rickayyyyy?  I heard my favourite sister whisper, ‘ I really like dick’ so let’s go with that…

At that moment another Jeff  handed me Richard’s gelatto and with that Richard disappeared leaving me holding a rather soggy cup of Strawberry Sorbet.

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Fifty Shades of Grey (Jefferty’s version)

Coat_of_Arms_of_Sir_Thomas_Grey,_1st_Marquess_of_Dorset,_KG
Coat of Arms of Sir Thomas Grey, 1st Marquess of Dorset.

Thomas Grey, 7th Baron Ferrers of Groby, 1st Earl of Huntingdon, and 1st Marquess of Dorset (1455 – 20 September 1501), was a nobleman, courtier and the eldest son  of Elizabeth Wydeville and her first hubby, Lancastrian John Grey of Groby. Her second marriage was to Edward VI, improving Grey’s status at court and in the realm as the stepson, whoring partner and friend of the King.

Despite his inexhaustible sexual prowess with ladies of court and of the night (of the knight?), through his mother’s non stop endeavours, he made two materially advantageous marriages to wealthy heiresses – his first wife being Anne Holland, daughter of the King’s sister Anne of York and the second to Cecily Bonville,  by  whom he had 14 children.

Thomas later went on to become the great grandfather of the unfortunate Lady Jane Grey who completely lost her head over religious issues.

It's the chop for Jane
The Execution of Lady Jane Grey by the French painter Paul Delaroche, 1833. (Artist impression of Lady Jane playing Blind Man’s Buff* before her execution at the tower.) * See below.

As has already been mentioned, Grey – Dorset – is known to have many lovers, the best known being Elizabeth Shore. Others include Jane Shore a supposed sister of Elizabeth, Elizabeth Lambert, Jane Lambert and lots of other women who all also included Hastings  as their beau.

In his later life Grey was haunted by the memory of lovers whom he had thrown over and the ghosts of those who had died. He named fifty previous lovers as ghosts who would never leave him in peace night or day and was so troubled that he was constantly attended by priests, who performed exorcisms to rid him of these shades. This was described in great depth in the Wriothesley Chronicles – ‘A Chronicle of England During the Reigns of the Tudors’. Wriothesley’s Chronicle was written  by Charles Wriothesley (Call me Risley) of the College  of Arms in London and has a whole section devoted to the “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Historical writers in the 21st century stole the title of this section for a book and subsequent film based very loosely on Thomas’ life and one particular love hate relationship with a  ‘lady’ and the rest, as they say, is history.

dulux

* Blind man’s buff Blind man’s buff or blind man’s bluff is a children’s game, a variant of tag in which the player who is “It” is blindfolded. The traditional name of the game is “blind man’s buff”, wherein the word buff is used in its older sense of a small push.

Jeff Jefferty Jeff is currently researching the history of internet dating by joining as many dating sites online as possible. Mrs JJ has indicated that she will be seeking a divorce and the two small people that hang around the house are currently eating blackberry and apple crumble from Sainsbury’s. Mrs Shonas is no longer in the picture, having gone to visit the late Arthur’s brother Jonas Shonas and found true love and happiness.

Sorcery, sources and sauces:

Wolf Hall (BBC2 TV drama)

Tandoori Raj Birmingham Take Away Menu

http://medievalchronicle.org

Wikipedia

Some book in the waiting room at Euston Station

Yellow Pages Telephone Directory UK 1978-79

A comment on a Facebook group

http://www.luminarium.org/encyclopedia/thomasgrey2.htm

© Jeff ”Jefferty” Jeff February 16th 2015