Category Archives: Jeff Jeferty Jeff

Will Kermit dump Miss Piggy after shock revelation?

Will Kermit dump Miss Piggy after shock revelation?

cameron with pig
#Hameron is hogging the limelight today as even the Tweeters cannot come up with anything more horrific than the reality. Phone lines are crackling and the PM is facing a roasting at Question Time. Will he be able to ham it up and stand up to the ribbing, keep his job and bring home the bacon? Will he tell porkies? Will he stay at home and claim to be poorly with Swine Fever? Will he just be piggy-in-the-middle?
I don’t want to be boarish on this, but if you don’t know what I am talking about, I seriously advise you not to find out. The image will stick in your mind and haunt your dreams.
I thought it may be a good idea to look at the back ground of all this and to trace at least one strange public school rituals.
When Edward Lear wrote ‘The Owl and the Pussy Cat’ it was innocently supposed to be a nonsense rhyme written for a small daughter of a friend. The poem was published in 1871 as part of his book Nonsense Songs, Stories, Botany and Alphabets and few people realized that it was a coded look at rituals and initiation ceremonies in English Public Schools and Universities.
A ‘Public’ school in the United Kingdom is not as its name suggests a school for everyone, but an expensive and elite school, for the richest of the rich of the privileged classes. Places at these schools are hard to get and to qualify one needs money, to know the ‘right people’ and to speak with a posh accent. Intelligence and academic qualifications are not desirable attributes to have, though a knowledge of Rugby (the game) and keeping a string of Polo ponies is generally required.
Historically Public Schools were single sex boarding schools and they have had a strong association with the ruling classes, educating the sons of the English upper and upper-middle classes. In 2010, over half of Cabinet Ministers had been educated at public schools.
The rest had just messed around and toasted bread in front of a fire whilst drinking Pimms at public school.
Edward Lear came from a very poor background, the twentieth of twenty one children and was raised by his elder sister Annie. By coincidence my Grandfather on my father’s side was also raised by his elder sister Annie. My grandfather was not Edward Lear. Neither Edward Lear nor my Grandfather went to Public School, indeed both were fortunate to get an education at all.
(Editor’s note: Shut up about your grand-daddy and get back to Lear.)
The closest Lear came to marriage was two proposals, both to the same woman, 46 years his junior, which were never accepted. His passion and most fervent and painful friendship involved Franklin Lushington, a young barrister he met in Malta in 1849. He later toured southern Greece with him. Lear developed an undoubtedly homosexual, but unreciprocated, love for him.
Lushington was a wealthy and privileged young man of American lineage, who had been educated in the English Public school system. It is thought that his school was Charterhouse, the same school as his uncle. Lear and Lushington remained friends for 40 years and upon his death, Lear left all of his paper work to him. Regrettably Lushington destroyed much of it, but it is from the archives of the remaining letters and papers that the true story behind the Owl and the Pussy Cat has now emerged and it tells the tale of Lushington’s initiation ceremony at his Public School.
This is how it is described line by line
The Owl and the Pussy cat went to sea
The owl describes the intelligent and wise student. The Pussy is anyone, most often a woman, who is willing to fornicate. It is still used as a euphemism for female genitalia.
‘Went to sea’ describes the start of their sexual adventure, the virgin student feeling rather adrift and scared
In a beautiful pea green boat, This is a euphemism for the scared nausea the student is feeling
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
This line describes the student’s hope that the experience will be sweet, but acknowledges that it is a financial transaction and he will have to pay the ‘pussy’
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
The student says a quick prayer that he does not catch anything
And sang to a small guitar,
Lear was an accomplished musician and often sang to his friends, but piano does not rhyme with much
O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
This and the next few lines describe the student’s thought upon seeing the woman naked
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!

Pussy said to the Owl, “You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?”
The prostitute flatters the student and tries to persuade the student to marry her.
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
This is a euphemism for long and satisfactory sexual encounter
To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
They smoked pot (Cannabis, Marijuana, weed etc) from a hookah
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
Whilst stoned they saw a pig. I can exclusivly reveal that the pig in question was Miss Piggies great great great great great great great great great grandfather, Piggie Bates, known more generally as Master Bates.
Kermit is said to be devastated and a close friend has revealed that although he cannot blame Miss Piggy for her ancestor, he fears her sausages may be tainted.
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose
Pigs sometimes had rings inserted in their noses to stop them rootling in the earth and eating all the expensive truffles, which were needed to feed Public School students,
“Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?”
See #Hameron #blackmirror #piggate
Said the Piggy, “I will.”
Actually the pig didn’t have a choice. He didn’t have a leg to stand on. All his legs had been roasted and served with apple sauce and gravy.
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
This indicates a pseudo religious ceremony, Turkey or Turkey Cock being slang for an unfrocked priest, most often one who had been excommunicated for sex crimes.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Expensive food from Fortnum and Mason, but probably used here to indicate expensive opium drugs
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
This is the 19th century word for the spoon that is used to heat the drugs
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon
After all that cannabis, opium and intercourse, high as kites they partied the night away.

The exact nature of the poem has been hinted at before in a deleted scene intended for the Family Guy episode Quagmire’s Baby involving Quagmire reading the book to his daughter, but then getting aroused by the sexual nature of the story. Regrettably this did not pass the rigorous censorship needed to keep the show relatively respectable.

And that, as they say, is that.

© Jeff Jefferty Jeff  21/09/15

I hope the weather improves.  I am going to a hog roast later 😉

Sources:

Usually apple with pork, but the ma in law always served a nice mustard sauce. Ketchup with bacon. Mayonnaise with ham. HP with sausages

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Castle building through the ages

I was in the middle of a meeting. We were discussing why so many mediaeval castles were in ruins, dilapidated and falling down. Did those old kings just build broken castles, were they bad builders or was there some other reason that as yet had not been contemplated?

_45603658_castle_dsrl_466

The topic turned to why castles were so often in out of the way places and so often were very hard to find.  Why oh why could those old kings not have indicated the post code of their old broken castles on their old mediaeval documents?

I was thinking of these weighty issues as I left the meeting and not thinking at all about the young person who hangs around the house. He telephoned in a panic. The freezer in the student digs had broken down and there, rapidly defrosting, were 400 plus chicken nuggets. What could he do?

Having pondered the problem during the drive home, the 6 o’clock news, the glass of G and T, the dinner, I eventually turned to Google…

Not helpful!

No hints or tips or conclusions how to use up four hundred plus of the world’s worst culinary mistakes.

Thinking, as only a satirist can, out of the box, I eventually came up with a cunning plan. ‘Baldric’ I called… (forgetting that I was not Blackadder)… ‘I have a cunning plan’.

Baldric gently explained that he was a screen character and he was the one who came up with the cunning plans, so that firmly scuppered, I went back to the drawing board.

It was hard and cold trying to sleep on that drawing board, but by morning I had a solution. I also had goose bumps.

For this you will need four hundred chicken nuggets and four hundred (plus) cocktail sticks.

Spray paint.

Authentic landscape.

Place cocktail sticks in nuggets.

Bake at 100 degrees Celsius for 7 hours until rock hard.

Remove from oven and allow to cool.

Spray paint the nuggets in a stone grey and brown paint.

Allow to dry.

Join nuggets together using the cocktail sticks.

Place on landscape of pretend grass.

Market as Ruined Mediaeval Fort for small children.

The castle I built today.

The above photo is one I built earlier.

The amazing simplicity and beauty of this interlocking system is that many other types of left over or prematurely defrosted food can be used this way, therefore creating whole villages and shires for sale on eBay.

chicken-nuggets
Care MUST be taken with assembly or the whole thing lacks the authentic Mediaeval Castle look. The builder of this example is having further training.

One could also organise day trips to the ‘place’ and target wealthy people with more money than sense (except for the potential down side: get caught and imprisoned for fraud,) but some masterpieces are now changing hands for an amazing amount of money.

Ruined castleSo by accident I had solved the problems discussed at the meeting. Castles were hard to find as they exist solely in toy boxes and appear ruined simply because the ‘builder’ ran out of chicken nuggets!

I realise now there have been clues right in front of my eyes, like the advert from a world renowned burger chain that reads ”Live like a King – 10 chicken nuggets for only £1.49”

Digest and enjoy.

Sources:

Most often tomato, usually at extra cost.

© Jeff Jefferty Jeff 04/09/15