Category Archives: Film

Fifty Shades of Grey (Jefferty’s version)

Coat_of_Arms_of_Sir_Thomas_Grey,_1st_Marquess_of_Dorset,_KG
Coat of Arms of Sir Thomas Grey, 1st Marquess of Dorset.

Thomas Grey, 7th Baron Ferrers of Groby, 1st Earl of Huntingdon, and 1st Marquess of Dorset (1455 – 20 September 1501), was a nobleman, courtier and the eldest son  of Elizabeth Wydeville and her first hubby, Lancastrian John Grey of Groby. Her second marriage was to Edward VI, improving Grey’s status at court and in the realm as the stepson, whoring partner and friend of the King.

Despite his inexhaustible sexual prowess with ladies of court and of the night (of the knight?), through his mother’s non stop endeavours, he made two materially advantageous marriages to wealthy heiresses – his first wife being Anne Holland, daughter of the King’s sister Anne of York and the second to Cecily Bonville,  by  whom he had 14 children.

Thomas later went on to become the great grandfather of the unfortunate Lady Jane Grey who completely lost her head over religious issues.

It's the chop for Jane
The Execution of Lady Jane Grey by the French painter Paul Delaroche, 1833. (Artist impression of Lady Jane playing Blind Man’s Buff* before her execution at the tower.) * See below.

As has already been mentioned, Grey – Dorset – is known to have many lovers, the best known being Elizabeth Shore. Others include Jane Shore a supposed sister of Elizabeth, Elizabeth Lambert, Jane Lambert and lots of other women who all also included Hastings  as their beau.

In his later life Grey was haunted by the memory of lovers whom he had thrown over and the ghosts of those who had died. He named fifty previous lovers as ghosts who would never leave him in peace night or day and was so troubled that he was constantly attended by priests, who performed exorcisms to rid him of these shades. This was described in great depth in the Wriothesley Chronicles – ‘A Chronicle of England During the Reigns of the Tudors’. Wriothesley’s Chronicle was written  by Charles Wriothesley (Call me Risley) of the College  of Arms in London and has a whole section devoted to the “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Historical writers in the 21st century stole the title of this section for a book and subsequent film based very loosely on Thomas’ life and one particular love hate relationship with a  ‘lady’ and the rest, as they say, is history.

dulux

* Blind man’s buff Blind man’s buff or blind man’s bluff is a children’s game, a variant of tag in which the player who is “It” is blindfolded. The traditional name of the game is “blind man’s buff”, wherein the word buff is used in its older sense of a small push.

Jeff Jefferty Jeff is currently researching the history of internet dating by joining as many dating sites online as possible. Mrs JJ has indicated that she will be seeking a divorce and the two small people that hang around the house are currently eating blackberry and apple crumble from Sainsbury’s. Mrs Shonas is no longer in the picture, having gone to visit the late Arthur’s brother Jonas Shonas and found true love and happiness.

Sorcery, sources and sauces:

Wolf Hall (BBC2 TV drama)

Tandoori Raj Birmingham Take Away Menu

http://medievalchronicle.org

Wikipedia

Some book in the waiting room at Euston Station

Yellow Pages Telephone Directory UK 1978-79

A comment on a Facebook group

http://www.luminarium.org/encyclopedia/thomasgrey2.htm

© Jeff ”Jefferty” Jeff February 16th 2015

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William Wallace and Brave Heart (with a peep at Quantum Mechanics)

 

Since Mrs JJ flounced off at the end of last year and went to stay with her mother, I have found something wonderful. I have complete and absolute unilateral control of the television remote control and no longer have to be subjected to hour after hour of repeats of repeats of repeats of QI or never ending programmes about women giving birth.

I sat down one night with a glass of homemade Elderflower Cordial that Mrs JJ had left in

thriftyliving. net
Home madeelderflower cordial: thriftyliving. net

the pantry and despite this cordial being maybe 110% proof (how did she do that?) I flicked through the channels on the TV, finding a film called Braveheart was just starting.

It is a film that I have never seen, to the incredulous amazement of my fellow Jeffs, but after fetching a plate of cheese and pickled gherkins I sat down to watch with enjoyment as Mel Gibson, cast as a fictitious character called William Wallace, swash buckled his way through the scenes.

Feeling mellow I reflected how similar this film was to the life of real person in history with a similar name and wondered why this should be.

Mel Gibson wearing makeup that is meant to look like woad.
Mel Gibson wearing makeup that meant to look like woad.

For days I hunted through articles and journals and even took a trip to Rome to hunt for clues to this strange matter. It was in Rome, most glorious and historic of cities, that I found the answer, an answer so strange as to defy belief but believe it I must. I have seen the evidence. I have the photo copies and now you will have the story.

Braveheart is a 1995 epic historic fantasy film directed by and starring Mel Gibson. Gibson plays William Wallace, a 13th-century Scottish warrior who led the Scots in the First War of Scottish Independence against King Edward I of England. Except for the actual existence of a king of that name and regnal number and a war of that name, the whole of the plot is made up. (Scots are not made up of course and did exist in Mediaeval times and still exist today. My cousin Jeff’s wife is a Scot.)

Uilliam Uallas, however, was a mild mannered, scholarly land owner in Scotland who was born about 1270. As a child he liked pressing wild flowers and catching butterflies with his mother’s hessian hair net, but he longed to be more manly and masculine to attract the attention of the sweetest girl he had ever seen. This was not to be however, as after his father’s death he was sent to live with his uncle and continued his education in Rome.

It was while in Rome that Uilliam met the Medici family through a contact of his Uncle and lodged with them until his return to Scotland around 1291. He stayed mostly at their estate at Mugello, just 37 km from Florence and a day’s jaunt away from their town house in Rome. By road now the journey takes about four and a half hours but in baking summer sun it seems longer than a day and certainly no jaunt, particularly when undertaken with a car sick Mrs JJ and two small people in the back seat.

Uilliam’s greatest friend there was Salvestro de’ Medici, son of Averardo, who interestingly are cited as being the possible 18th and 19th great grandfathers of Princess Di. Salvestro was a young man fascinated in what we today would describe as physics or physical science but then was described as natural philosophy.

The Medici’s were up an up and coming yuppy family, famous for pickling gherkins, and although they were initially considered very nouveau riche and crass, their patronizing of artists and natural philosophers made them more acceptable among the old money; it also kept them abreast of the latest in ‘scientific’ experiments and gadgets. Among the papers in the family archives are Salvestro’s designs for what we would later describe as a helicopter and scuba diving equipment, designs that later would be reworked and credited to Leonardo da Vinci.

Also among the family papers are pages and pages of equations and one is amazing.

E = mc²

along with margin notes in Salvestro’s writing saying in Mediaeval Italian: time travel is possible, at least in one direction.

Physics is not my strong point so I Googled time travel and came up up this page http://timetravelphilosophy.net/topics/relativity/

The page claims conclusively that Time Travel in both directions is possible, not only possible but probable! and consistent with the theory of relativity.

And Salvestro knew this and would have told his friend Uilliam who was desperate to be a manly man to woo the girl he loved (manly men were in big demand then*) and didn’t know how to go about it.

A third page article that I found online in the Cornish Guardian dated December 1995 gives the rest of the story.

Double History. Cornish guardian spoof.

So piecing together all of this evidence, it is clear that Uilliam time travelled forward to 1995, watched a fantasy film, thought ‘I can do that’, went back to Rome and spent hours weight training until he resembled the swash buckling hero of the movie, grew his hair long and didn’t shave too often and then journeyed back to his lands in Scotland….and the rest, as they say, is history.

Uilliam Uallas is better known of course by the modern spelling of William Wallace and is commemorated in Blind Harry’s epic poem The Actes and Deidis of the Illustre and Vallyeant Campioun Schir William Wallace.

The opening lines of The Wallace

Our antecessowris that we suld of reide, And hald in mynde thar nobille worthi deid, We lat ourslide throu verray sleuthfulnes, And castis us ever till uther besynes. Till honour ennymyis is our haile entent, It has beyne seyne in thir tymys bywent. Our ald ennemys cummyn of Saxonys blud, That nevyr yeit to Scotland wald do gud, But ever on fors and contrar haile thar will, Quhow gret kyndnes thar has beyne kyth thaim till. It is weyle knawyne on mony divers syde, How they haff wrocht in to thar mychty pryde, To hald Scotland at undyr evermar, Bot God abuff has maid thar mycht to par. Yhit we suld thynk one our bearis befor, Of that parablys as now I say no mor. We reide of ane rycht famous of renowne, Of worthi blude that ryngis in this regioune, And hensfurth I will my proces hald, Of Wilyham Wallas yhe haf hard beyne tald.

(Auto correct went slightly insane whilst typing that. Auto correct is currently under sedation in a darkened room and ‘hops two bee buck son’)

And that is the end of my tale, until Wallace comes again from the past, or will it be the future, or can he indeed do that at all now he has been hung, drawn and quartered not to mention castrated?

No! I said NOT to mention castrated!

Watch this space.

* Jeff Jefferty Jeff considers himself manly man, though maybe a little inclined to chubbiness. He is currently separated and looking for a suitable woman for friendship and to share his interests. Knowledge of how to use a tin opener and microwave is essential.

Sources:

Cornish Guardian newspaper online

Brave heart- film

Microwave cookery for one: Belinda Bellend

The Medicis: Scrap of old paper I found in Aunt Rose’s trunk

Nat West bank Statement (from the personal collection of Jeff Jefferty Jeff)

How to get a quicky divorce from a flouncing wife: public interest article, the Guardian.

 

 

 

 

 

 

© Jeff Jefferty Jeff February 2015