Monthly Archives: September 2015

Will Kermit dump Miss Piggy after shock revelation?

Will Kermit dump Miss Piggy after shock revelation?

cameron with pig
#Hameron is hogging the limelight today as even the Tweeters cannot come up with anything more horrific than the reality. Phone lines are crackling and the PM is facing a roasting at Question Time. Will he be able to ham it up and stand up to the ribbing, keep his job and bring home the bacon? Will he tell porkies? Will he stay at home and claim to be poorly with Swine Fever? Will he just be piggy-in-the-middle?
I don’t want to be boarish on this, but if you don’t know what I am talking about, I seriously advise you not to find out. The image will stick in your mind and haunt your dreams.
I thought it may be a good idea to look at the back ground of all this and to trace at least one strange public school rituals.
When Edward Lear wrote ‘The Owl and the Pussy Cat’ it was innocently supposed to be a nonsense rhyme written for a small daughter of a friend. The poem was published in 1871 as part of his book Nonsense Songs, Stories, Botany and Alphabets and few people realized that it was a coded look at rituals and initiation ceremonies in English Public Schools and Universities.
A ‘Public’ school in the United Kingdom is not as its name suggests a school for everyone, but an expensive and elite school, for the richest of the rich of the privileged classes. Places at these schools are hard to get and to qualify one needs money, to know the ‘right people’ and to speak with a posh accent. Intelligence and academic qualifications are not desirable attributes to have, though a knowledge of Rugby (the game) and keeping a string of Polo ponies is generally required.
Historically Public Schools were single sex boarding schools and they have had a strong association with the ruling classes, educating the sons of the English upper and upper-middle classes. In 2010, over half of Cabinet Ministers had been educated at public schools.
The rest had just messed around and toasted bread in front of a fire whilst drinking Pimms at public school.
Edward Lear came from a very poor background, the twentieth of twenty one children and was raised by his elder sister Annie. By coincidence my Grandfather on my father’s side was also raised by his elder sister Annie. My grandfather was not Edward Lear. Neither Edward Lear nor my Grandfather went to Public School, indeed both were fortunate to get an education at all.
(Editor’s note: Shut up about your grand-daddy and get back to Lear.)
The closest Lear came to marriage was two proposals, both to the same woman, 46 years his junior, which were never accepted. His passion and most fervent and painful friendship involved Franklin Lushington, a young barrister he met in Malta in 1849. He later toured southern Greece with him. Lear developed an undoubtedly homosexual, but unreciprocated, love for him.
Lushington was a wealthy and privileged young man of American lineage, who had been educated in the English Public school system. It is thought that his school was Charterhouse, the same school as his uncle. Lear and Lushington remained friends for 40 years and upon his death, Lear left all of his paper work to him. Regrettably Lushington destroyed much of it, but it is from the archives of the remaining letters and papers that the true story behind the Owl and the Pussy Cat has now emerged and it tells the tale of Lushington’s initiation ceremony at his Public School.
This is how it is described line by line
The Owl and the Pussy cat went to sea
The owl describes the intelligent and wise student. The Pussy is anyone, most often a woman, who is willing to fornicate. It is still used as a euphemism for female genitalia.
‘Went to sea’ describes the start of their sexual adventure, the virgin student feeling rather adrift and scared
In a beautiful pea green boat, This is a euphemism for the scared nausea the student is feeling
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
This line describes the student’s hope that the experience will be sweet, but acknowledges that it is a financial transaction and he will have to pay the ‘pussy’
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
The student says a quick prayer that he does not catch anything
And sang to a small guitar,
Lear was an accomplished musician and often sang to his friends, but piano does not rhyme with much
O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
This and the next few lines describe the student’s thought upon seeing the woman naked
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!

Pussy said to the Owl, “You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?”
The prostitute flatters the student and tries to persuade the student to marry her.
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
This is a euphemism for long and satisfactory sexual encounter
To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
They smoked pot (Cannabis, Marijuana, weed etc) from a hookah
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
Whilst stoned they saw a pig. I can exclusivly reveal that the pig in question was Miss Piggies great great great great great great great great great grandfather, Piggie Bates, known more generally as Master Bates.
Kermit is said to be devastated and a close friend has revealed that although he cannot blame Miss Piggy for her ancestor, he fears her sausages may be tainted.
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose
Pigs sometimes had rings inserted in their noses to stop them rootling in the earth and eating all the expensive truffles, which were needed to feed Public School students,
“Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?”
See #Hameron #blackmirror #piggate
Said the Piggy, “I will.”
Actually the pig didn’t have a choice. He didn’t have a leg to stand on. All his legs had been roasted and served with apple sauce and gravy.
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
This indicates a pseudo religious ceremony, Turkey or Turkey Cock being slang for an unfrocked priest, most often one who had been excommunicated for sex crimes.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Expensive food from Fortnum and Mason, but probably used here to indicate expensive opium drugs
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
This is the 19th century word for the spoon that is used to heat the drugs
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon
After all that cannabis, opium and intercourse, high as kites they partied the night away.

The exact nature of the poem has been hinted at before in a deleted scene intended for the Family Guy episode Quagmire’s Baby involving Quagmire reading the book to his daughter, but then getting aroused by the sexual nature of the story. Regrettably this did not pass the rigorous censorship needed to keep the show relatively respectable.

And that, as they say, is that.

© Jeff Jefferty Jeff  21/09/15

I hope the weather improves.  I am going to a hog roast later 😉

Sources:

Usually apple with pork, but the ma in law always served a nice mustard sauce. Ketchup with bacon. Mayonnaise with ham. HP with sausages

Dentistry in darker days

We have all been to the dentist. Sometimes it´s just a question of a swift examination andMandibularAnteriorCalculus we can happily be on our way, knowing that our teeth and economy are and will for time being stay without any larger cavity in your teeth or in your economy.

But while we may squirm and moan under the dental drill, we still can consider ourselves to be in a kind of dental heaven, we can go from cradle to grave with the appropriate amount of teeth, or lack thereof, at any given time.

It was entirely different for the people of old. You may read that they cleaned their teeth with little twigs, not rarely described not only as general twigs, but twigs that might lend a pleasant smell to the breath.

But here we do need to remember that twigs was subjected to, what should we call them, the forces of nature. And by forces of nature I mean the natural force to for example take a leak. These twigs could very well be covered with the anything from the leakage from an incontinent squirrel (if the twig had been placed high in the tree of brush) to the village alderman and his dog. One can but wonder what of those could possible lend a pleasant smell to the breath.

Cracked_toothThen, let´s contemplate that the twig did not quite do its job. The cavities would come. Imagine a time without anaesthetic, sterile instruments or for that matter, anything more than a very basic understanding for the human body, not least the mouth.

Having a cavity today can be, but isn´t necessarily a threat to life and limb. In the days of yonder it was a completely different story. A popular method to fix cavities was to fill them with stone pebbles, but this of course craved precision and perfection. You could not just shove down any kind of stone into an infected tooth but that´s just what happened in Scotland in the spring of 1652 giving rise to, even if not many people know this, the legend of the Giant Stone Eater as well as the expression “Being stoned out of one’s mind” (when you came out from whoever was in charge was of mending the tooth made you lose all the others) as the procedure was incredibly painful, not least if the pebble was not a pebble but more of a rock.

If the teeth did indeed fall out, either due to “dentists” shoving rocks into the mouth of thechattery-teeth suffering individual or for other reasons went missing, there were always the option of false teeth. Already the old Etruscans was in the habit of just like some modern day rap artist replacing their front teeth with golden fakes, maybe not for the same reasons but with much the same result. Obviously gold wouldn´t have been for everyone, not in Etruscan times and not later on in history either. So we´re back to pebbles.

(not stone teeth)

Through an extremely elaborate technique, for its time, people managed to fasten finely cut stones to leather strings which were fastened to the teeth at the far back of the mouth and then strapped against the against the palate, much the same way as braces would be attached today.  Members of mid-level society, not rich enough to afford gold but still wealthy enough to afford something more than ordinary gravel would invest in limestone which they let craftsmen shape into figures, maybe images of their children or a beloved pack of dogs.

As we all realise if we take a quick leap forward in time, past sweaty blacksmiths with aprons stained with the blood of countless victims of unbearable toothache, sedative which basically consisted of a swift punch in the face or simply a gallon of pure alcohol, we can all agree the next time when we sit there in the denstist´s chair that dentistry has evolved in the right direction.

 

Jeff Sixwhotsitdorf, dentes intacta

 

Sources:

The drunken ramblings of Alex Harvey

The dental experimentations through the ages – Dr. Dehimbje Dëmbi

The drunken ramblings of Shane MacGowan

Crafting in stone and gravel from the beginning of time – Prof. Klippies

My own drunken ramblings

The collected memories of tooth ache

The fishy history of the codpiece

I have decided to take a look at something which to the modern eye can be difficult to judge if it´s a fashion statement designed to emphasise the “manhood” so to speak, or if it´s a protection to ward off a swift kick to the groin but which in fact is neither: the codpiece.

Portrait_of_CodIt has been assumed that the word cod originates from the Middle English word for scrotum, but new findings, both in relation to the language itself and to this particular part of men´s clothing gives at hand that the explanation is far simpler than that.

“Cod” means in fact cod as in the scale clad, swimming creature that is also described as a “fish” and belonging to the family Gadidae. For those who want to show off by referring to it in Latin, the most common cod in the codpiece – once it had reached the upper classes – was the Atlantic cod, which in that case should be referred to as Gadus Morhua.

The question that surely will appear already at the beginning of this text – maybe for several reasons – is “Why?”

And the answer is a bit blurred here, as there seem to be several reason to have a cod sticking out of your groin. It seems that in the very earliest of medieval times, this was by no means a rich and wealthy as it would later come to be. Instead it was a cover up to hide the very common poach fishing. Sneaking home from ponds and rivers – where the fishermen of course would not find Atlantic cod, but I´ll return to that – there was always the obvious risk of running in to a game keeper who would have no intention of letting the poachers keep their catch.

It isn´t quite clear how this solution to the problem came about, but historians believe it started with someone simply sticking a fish in his pocket. Anyhow, some clever person came up with the idea of sewing a kind of poach to the front of the trousers and as it soon turned out, this was the perfect solution.

The larger the codpiece, the less likely the chance of a game keeper volunteering to check out the validity of the claim of a caught poacher that he was on his way home to his wife and that he for every visible reason was in a kind of hurry.

This worked quite well for a few centuries, until some nobleman whose name has not Giovanni_Battista_Moroni_009survived to posterity discovered this and realised that it could be used to either flaunt or exaggerate what you had been given.

For a few decades the upper classes decided that they wanted to keep up the tradition of keeping a cod in the pouch – and *this* is where the actual name emerge, the rich and wealthy didn´t have to go to the creek or pond to catch some scrawny looking fish, they could actually afford to buy proper cod and stuff it into their pants.

It would soon become obvious that fish did not keep well in clothing. As the male members of the upper classes didn´t have any reason to unload the contents of their pouches on the dinner table, it happened that they carried it around far too long, with a hideous stench about them as a result.

137895359462The most famous wearer of the codpiece, Henry VIII, would on occasion to continue the fish tradition, as he found that the smell of a relatively fresh fish could cover up the smell from his severely infected legs, a remedy that for a while was somewhat of a comfort to him.

In time the codpiece would be made out of other materials than cloth, and elaborate creations in metal would appear, and as it grew as a fashion statement, it´s original function was forgotten, until now. But fashion come and fashion go, and towards the end on the 16th century, the codpiece began to slowly fade out among the fashion savvy.

But fashion, as everything else, goes in cycles, and the codpiece can once again be seen in certain subcultures and among heavy metal groups. The fish seems to have permanently discarded among these groups however.

 

Jeff Sixwhotsitdorf, without codpiece. And cod.

Sources:

The story of practical clothing – Professor A. Trout, Md.A and Pd.Q

Cultural Anthropology – Grace Q. Vicary

Poaching in the early Middle Ages – Dr. Fisch Sauze

A box of fish fingers.

 

 

Castle building through the ages

I was in the middle of a meeting. We were discussing why so many mediaeval castles were in ruins, dilapidated and falling down. Did those old kings just build broken castles, were they bad builders or was there some other reason that as yet had not been contemplated?

_45603658_castle_dsrl_466

The topic turned to why castles were so often in out of the way places and so often were very hard to find.  Why oh why could those old kings not have indicated the post code of their old broken castles on their old mediaeval documents?

I was thinking of these weighty issues as I left the meeting and not thinking at all about the young person who hangs around the house. He telephoned in a panic. The freezer in the student digs had broken down and there, rapidly defrosting, were 400 plus chicken nuggets. What could he do?

Having pondered the problem during the drive home, the 6 o’clock news, the glass of G and T, the dinner, I eventually turned to Google…

Not helpful!

No hints or tips or conclusions how to use up four hundred plus of the world’s worst culinary mistakes.

Thinking, as only a satirist can, out of the box, I eventually came up with a cunning plan. ‘Baldric’ I called… (forgetting that I was not Blackadder)… ‘I have a cunning plan’.

Baldric gently explained that he was a screen character and he was the one who came up with the cunning plans, so that firmly scuppered, I went back to the drawing board.

It was hard and cold trying to sleep on that drawing board, but by morning I had a solution. I also had goose bumps.

For this you will need four hundred chicken nuggets and four hundred (plus) cocktail sticks.

Spray paint.

Authentic landscape.

Place cocktail sticks in nuggets.

Bake at 100 degrees Celsius for 7 hours until rock hard.

Remove from oven and allow to cool.

Spray paint the nuggets in a stone grey and brown paint.

Allow to dry.

Join nuggets together using the cocktail sticks.

Place on landscape of pretend grass.

Market as Ruined Mediaeval Fort for small children.

The castle I built today.

The above photo is one I built earlier.

The amazing simplicity and beauty of this interlocking system is that many other types of left over or prematurely defrosted food can be used this way, therefore creating whole villages and shires for sale on eBay.

chicken-nuggets
Care MUST be taken with assembly or the whole thing lacks the authentic Mediaeval Castle look. The builder of this example is having further training.

One could also organise day trips to the ‘place’ and target wealthy people with more money than sense (except for the potential down side: get caught and imprisoned for fraud,) but some masterpieces are now changing hands for an amazing amount of money.

Ruined castleSo by accident I had solved the problems discussed at the meeting. Castles were hard to find as they exist solely in toy boxes and appear ruined simply because the ‘builder’ ran out of chicken nuggets!

I realise now there have been clues right in front of my eyes, like the advert from a world renowned burger chain that reads ”Live like a King – 10 chicken nuggets for only £1.49”

Digest and enjoy.

Sources:

Most often tomato, usually at extra cost.

© Jeff Jefferty Jeff 04/09/15