10 Ways to Spot a Descendant of Anne of Lancaster

  1. She* will be close to spheres of power and authority, though not necessarily openly working within those spheres. [This rules out anyone who is not close to a sphere of power or authority.]
  1. She will be of slim build and probably thought of as ‘frail’. [This rules out any woman over 5’ 2” who weighs more than an average greyhound. This further rules out Queen Anne.]
  1. Her name will include at least one of the letters found in the name ANNE. [This rules out anyone whose name doesn’t include the letters ‘A’, ‘N’, ‘N’ or ‘E’.]
  1. She is likely to gravitate towards public life – either as an actor, singer, dancer, newsreader, vaguely pointless celebrity, interior decorator or fashion model. [This rules out anyone who isn’t a member of any of these professions and fashion models over 5’ 2”.]
  1. There is a slim possibility she will be involved in politics, though not in a free democracy as her Right to the Crown will have been instilled in her for generations. Anne of Lancaster Descendants do not put themselves through the humiliation of elections. [This rules out any female politician who has ever asked anyone to vote for her.]
Neither an Anne of Lancaster descendant nor Anne of Lancaster herself but a depiction of someone Anne of Lancaster (and all her Descendants) descended from. ie, her Mother. (All hail the Mother of Anne of Lancaster, Chief Forebear of All Her Descendants.)
  1. She will have a pale complexion, whatever ethnic blending has led to her existence. [This rules out anyone who has ever played hockey.]
  1. She will be of advanced intellect and exquisite taste. [This rules out anyone who has ever read a Dan Brown novel or worn pink.]
  1. She will have a dog, possibly a labrador. [This rules out anyone who has a cat – whatever their status vis a vis labradors.]
  1. If a member of a club, she will have rolled the President weeks before her first AGM, brought in her own people and changed the constitution, possibly even set up her own breakaway organisation. [This is a more difficult criterion to pin down, as even Non-Anne of Lancaster Descendants sometimes launch coups. DO NOT rely on this criterion unless at least three others also apply.]
  1. Though she will do her best to mask it, she will have a giant chip on her shoulder. [While this rules no-one out, specifically, it does suggest women aged between 13 and 19 should be closely watched.]
  1. She will own a horse.

I do hope this helps your collective Search for the Rightful Queen of England✢  If you DO spot a potential Anne of Lancaster Descendant, please place a recent photo and complete dossier in a plain brown envelope and leave it on a seat in your local park. If you don’t live near a park, the table at the back of any coffee shop will do. It will find its way to the right people.


*While there are male Anne of Lancaster Descendants, they perform secondary supportive – or ‘auxilliary’ – roles. You may find them making tea, collecting tickets at the door or putting up bunting, though you will more likely find them out the back, gathered around the barbecue, charring various lumps of meat. They are insignificant** except for breeding purposes.

**Apart from the one who, by some fluke chance, managed to get himself crowned King of England and Maybe Some Other Places (but definitely not Empress of India***). But that is another story for another time.

***Despite meeting several of the Essential Selection Criteria, Queen Victoria was NOT an Anne of Lancaster Descendant.****

****Some of her descendants, on the other hand, may well be.

Though not Scotland, as that is an entirely different kettle of fish


A dream I had the other night where I met a pale, short, thin woman in a tutu riding a horse with a dog (possibly a labrador) trotting by her side who told me she was descended from Anne of Lancaster.

The Secret Archives of the Cult of Anne of Lancaster.

The Chalet School books.

Lotz, A Handbook for Spies.

Foote, Handbook for Spies.

Angelina Jolie.

Edward Woodward


JEF Dingle-Bell is not in hiding, she’s just on a long holiday. She may (or may not) send postcards.


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